I stood still. Unmoved. Wrapped in the motile embrace of the wind. The sky was dark. And dark had it been for every time that I glanced above to see her.
"Tera chaand sa mukhda harr dil ko tujh pe fida hone ke liye majboor kar dega dekhna." ("your moon like face would compel every heart to fall for you without hesitation."). How she kept repeating these lines which she had first glanced at in my diary once next to a doodle of a girl. Oh how she teased me every single time when she had the best of chances to do so. Eventually I would shout at her but my anger would match up to nothing in front of her highly tested blackmailing abilities. Little did she know that my heart skipped a beat every time she crinkled her nose to adjust her specs and made faces which proved that she had frozen time and was the soul of a 5 year old in the body of an eighteen year old. The times when she would adjust her hair behind her ears or fuss over little things and cry like a baby, she killed me every single time then.
Her beauty had struck my heart with more force than even a dagger could showcase. Happiness was experienced in bits by me then.....how little did I know that 'sad' would turn out to be a better prefix.
Life has frozen now. A dead end is all that my naked eyes can see. Her face which held the beauty of the infinity of time has gone. Gone away.
One Year Ago:
It was the graduating batch party....Niharika's mother had told me to take her to college on my bike. My head had started losing weight by the thought of Niharika alone and hence, I avoided the thought of imagining her behind me on my dio so as to survive enough to live the upcoming moment.
The day stands quite clear in my mind till today. Nihu was as beautiful as ever in the white saree with the yellow border draped around her elegant body. The flowers which held their strong forces of attraction towards her hair so tight that even gravity had to give up, just increased her magnificence by a couple of levels. Her charm showered over my eyes so hard that I couldn't afford looking away and missing even the tighniest of her actions. Her lips murmurred about the concern and haste of the work she was told to do. Her forehead looked worried. Her hands moved with hurried gestures which seemed hard for me to analyse. The kiddish expressions on her face just lured me towards her and all I could say to her was,"wow!". She blushed. The pinkness left her cheeks sooner than it had left mine. I felt embarrassed and rushed out to my bike just to get fascinated by her again.
Her walk towards me that day has still not lost its space from my memory lane. The elegant steps, the moves, the pace, it was as if she was dancing on the tune of the wind which usually rushed through the streets as noisy as ever, today it just held Nihu as the top priority. She hugged me tight (little did she know that I wasn't feeling anything but her arms around me then) and sat behind me. We zoomed off to our destination, The Delhi Royal College.
A moment passed after our arrival that I lost sight of her. I moved briskly through the crowd. My eyes wanted her sight. They would not rest until the wait was declared over by her and no one else. I could not find her. She was nowhere to be found. I thought of waiting for her at the exit but couldn't find her. The party was over. Not a sign of my Nihu. Just then a voice came from behind "Am?". It was her. Her welled up eyes immediately ordered my arms to wrap her in my embrace and hug her tight and so, they did. She clutched on tight to my shirt and cried until she lost all her breath.
"What happened Nihu?" I asked her out of worry.
"I love you..." she confessed. Her words dug knives into me. I couldn't believe what she had just said but before I could reply in affirmation, she interrupted me, "I...I said the exact same words to him...but he just walked away...after all that happened between me and Karthik, he just walked away, Aman...I mean how could he just walk away like that?...". I was startled with what I had heard. It took me some time to try and understand what Niharika actually wanted to say but I failed. "What are you talking about, Nihu? What happened? Tell me". "Aman, don't react violently but I'm pregnant....me and Karthik,...we are pregnant.....but now I guess I have to cut off his name from the 'we'.". "Niharika, are you kidding me? What has gotten into you? I mean how the hell can YOU do such a thing? And he backed off? That bloody bastard....". She burst into tears and hugged me more tight. She mourned for the man of her dreams, Karthik but he never made a re-appearance. The girl of my dreams was hugging me as tight as ever but that was the least of my concerns now.
Present day:
It has been a year now since I last saw her. Where is she? I do not know. How is she? I do not know. Is she alive? I do not know. Did her baby survive? I do not know that too.
I miss her.
Her last sight for me was when she told me to take care of myself before I left for hyderabad for my first year college.
6 months ago:
"All is well, Am. Mummy Papa maan gaye hai. Tum bindass jaaon aur jab aaoge na tabhi humaari beti ke liye khilaune zaroor laana." ("im fine Am. Mother Father have agreed. Don't take any tension while you're gone and when you come back, don't forget to bring toys for our daughter."). Yes. We were in love for the past 3 months. Atlast. But my return had something else planned for me altogether. Far worse than a surprise actually.
The 6 months passed with a hectic schedule. No calls, no messages, no emails as Nihu had made me promise was about to be broken now. The wait was over atlast.
I reached Delhi. Rushing first to Nihu's house I went just to see her and look at my daughter's face for the first time. But to my surprise, the house was locked. A letter I found right below the tree where me and Nihu would spend hours talking to each other while we were young. My eyes were wet already. I held the lock on the door guilty for that. "Nihu Nihu Nihu....." that was all my lips could sync to before I made the guts to open the letter. It read :
Dear Am,
Kaise ho ? (How are you?) Well I do not know about you but I toh 100% missed you alot. I had to confess to you alot. Well I do not know how to start but here I go,
God knows jab tum yeh padhoge toh main kaha hoongi (God knows, where I'll be when you will be reading this). Par the thing is, I never wanted to interfere in your life, Aman. I had read your diary alot more than just the doodle ki baajoo wali line ( I had read your diary alot more than just the line beside the doodle). Haalaan ki tumne uska naam diary mein ek baar bhi nahi likha, tum waakai uss ladki se bohot pyaar karte ho (though you didn't even mention that girl's name once in the diary, you really love her). Aur main tumhaare pyaar ke beech mein nahi aana chaahti (And I don't want to interfere in your love life). If my love story didn't have a happy ending, I don't want your's to have a sad ending too. Toh main jaa rahi hu (so i'm going away).
Mummy Papa kabhi maane nahi the (Mother Father never agreed). Main ghar chhod ke jaa rahi hu (I'm leaving my house and going away). I don't know when Mummy Papa will leave the house as they were planning on doing so but I know one thing and that is, I want this baby and that's why i won't mind leaving my family. Maine duniya dekhi hai (I have seen the world). Sari nahi par thodi hi sahi, mere liye kaafi hai (not the whole world but a bit, it's enough for me). Tum fikr na karo (don't you worry). Main apna khayaal zaroor thik se rakhoongi or meri beti ko kabhi na kabhi tumse milaane zaroor laaoongi, agar vakt milne de toh (I'll take proper care of myself and I would bring my daughter to meet you once, if time allows).
Abhi ke liye toh tum sirf apni raaj kumaari ke baare mein socho (for now, you think of your princess). Tumhare karz main kabhi chuka nahi paaoongi, Am (I will never be able to repay you, Am).
Tumhari (your),
Nihu
Present:
Here I am again, holding the letter in my hand on feb 7, 2014 at 2:35 am. The beginning of valentine's week. With no absolute sign of my Nihu. If only she knew.
I see the sky passing over me. I feel less air in my lungs. My heart can not take it anymore. It hurts. I can just see darkness. First, the darkness of the night and now. I do not know. "I'm dying, Nihu". I hear nothing. The silence is golden.
"Tera chaand sa mukhda harr dil ko tujh pe fida hone ke liye majboor kar dega dekhna." ("your moon like face would compel every heart to fall for you without hesitation."). How she kept repeating these lines which she had first glanced at in my diary once next to a doodle of a girl. Oh how she teased me every single time when she had the best of chances to do so. Eventually I would shout at her but my anger would match up to nothing in front of her highly tested blackmailing abilities. Little did she know that my heart skipped a beat every time she crinkled her nose to adjust her specs and made faces which proved that she had frozen time and was the soul of a 5 year old in the body of an eighteen year old. The times when she would adjust her hair behind her ears or fuss over little things and cry like a baby, she killed me every single time then.
Her beauty had struck my heart with more force than even a dagger could showcase. Happiness was experienced in bits by me then.....how little did I know that 'sad' would turn out to be a better prefix.
Life has frozen now. A dead end is all that my naked eyes can see. Her face which held the beauty of the infinity of time has gone. Gone away.
One Year Ago:
It was the graduating batch party....Niharika's mother had told me to take her to college on my bike. My head had started losing weight by the thought of Niharika alone and hence, I avoided the thought of imagining her behind me on my dio so as to survive enough to live the upcoming moment.
The day stands quite clear in my mind till today. Nihu was as beautiful as ever in the white saree with the yellow border draped around her elegant body. The flowers which held their strong forces of attraction towards her hair so tight that even gravity had to give up, just increased her magnificence by a couple of levels. Her charm showered over my eyes so hard that I couldn't afford looking away and missing even the tighniest of her actions. Her lips murmurred about the concern and haste of the work she was told to do. Her forehead looked worried. Her hands moved with hurried gestures which seemed hard for me to analyse. The kiddish expressions on her face just lured me towards her and all I could say to her was,"wow!". She blushed. The pinkness left her cheeks sooner than it had left mine. I felt embarrassed and rushed out to my bike just to get fascinated by her again.
Her walk towards me that day has still not lost its space from my memory lane. The elegant steps, the moves, the pace, it was as if she was dancing on the tune of the wind which usually rushed through the streets as noisy as ever, today it just held Nihu as the top priority. She hugged me tight (little did she know that I wasn't feeling anything but her arms around me then) and sat behind me. We zoomed off to our destination, The Delhi Royal College.
A moment passed after our arrival that I lost sight of her. I moved briskly through the crowd. My eyes wanted her sight. They would not rest until the wait was declared over by her and no one else. I could not find her. She was nowhere to be found. I thought of waiting for her at the exit but couldn't find her. The party was over. Not a sign of my Nihu. Just then a voice came from behind "Am?". It was her. Her welled up eyes immediately ordered my arms to wrap her in my embrace and hug her tight and so, they did. She clutched on tight to my shirt and cried until she lost all her breath.
"What happened Nihu?" I asked her out of worry.
"I love you..." she confessed. Her words dug knives into me. I couldn't believe what she had just said but before I could reply in affirmation, she interrupted me, "I...I said the exact same words to him...but he just walked away...after all that happened between me and Karthik, he just walked away, Aman...I mean how could he just walk away like that?...". I was startled with what I had heard. It took me some time to try and understand what Niharika actually wanted to say but I failed. "What are you talking about, Nihu? What happened? Tell me". "Aman, don't react violently but I'm pregnant....me and Karthik,...we are pregnant.....but now I guess I have to cut off his name from the 'we'.". "Niharika, are you kidding me? What has gotten into you? I mean how the hell can YOU do such a thing? And he backed off? That bloody bastard....". She burst into tears and hugged me more tight. She mourned for the man of her dreams, Karthik but he never made a re-appearance. The girl of my dreams was hugging me as tight as ever but that was the least of my concerns now.
Present day:
It has been a year now since I last saw her. Where is she? I do not know. How is she? I do not know. Is she alive? I do not know. Did her baby survive? I do not know that too.
I miss her.
Her last sight for me was when she told me to take care of myself before I left for hyderabad for my first year college.
6 months ago:
"All is well, Am. Mummy Papa maan gaye hai. Tum bindass jaaon aur jab aaoge na tabhi humaari beti ke liye khilaune zaroor laana." ("im fine Am. Mother Father have agreed. Don't take any tension while you're gone and when you come back, don't forget to bring toys for our daughter."). Yes. We were in love for the past 3 months. Atlast. But my return had something else planned for me altogether. Far worse than a surprise actually.
The 6 months passed with a hectic schedule. No calls, no messages, no emails as Nihu had made me promise was about to be broken now. The wait was over atlast.
I reached Delhi. Rushing first to Nihu's house I went just to see her and look at my daughter's face for the first time. But to my surprise, the house was locked. A letter I found right below the tree where me and Nihu would spend hours talking to each other while we were young. My eyes were wet already. I held the lock on the door guilty for that. "Nihu Nihu Nihu....." that was all my lips could sync to before I made the guts to open the letter. It read :
Dear Am,
Kaise ho ? (How are you?) Well I do not know about you but I toh 100% missed you alot. I had to confess to you alot. Well I do not know how to start but here I go,
God knows jab tum yeh padhoge toh main kaha hoongi (God knows, where I'll be when you will be reading this). Par the thing is, I never wanted to interfere in your life, Aman. I had read your diary alot more than just the doodle ki baajoo wali line ( I had read your diary alot more than just the line beside the doodle). Haalaan ki tumne uska naam diary mein ek baar bhi nahi likha, tum waakai uss ladki se bohot pyaar karte ho (though you didn't even mention that girl's name once in the diary, you really love her). Aur main tumhaare pyaar ke beech mein nahi aana chaahti (And I don't want to interfere in your love life). If my love story didn't have a happy ending, I don't want your's to have a sad ending too. Toh main jaa rahi hu (so i'm going away).
Mummy Papa kabhi maane nahi the (Mother Father never agreed). Main ghar chhod ke jaa rahi hu (I'm leaving my house and going away). I don't know when Mummy Papa will leave the house as they were planning on doing so but I know one thing and that is, I want this baby and that's why i won't mind leaving my family. Maine duniya dekhi hai (I have seen the world). Sari nahi par thodi hi sahi, mere liye kaafi hai (not the whole world but a bit, it's enough for me). Tum fikr na karo (don't you worry). Main apna khayaal zaroor thik se rakhoongi or meri beti ko kabhi na kabhi tumse milaane zaroor laaoongi, agar vakt milne de toh (I'll take proper care of myself and I would bring my daughter to meet you once, if time allows).
Abhi ke liye toh tum sirf apni raaj kumaari ke baare mein socho (for now, you think of your princess). Tumhare karz main kabhi chuka nahi paaoongi, Am (I will never be able to repay you, Am).
Tumhari (your),
Nihu
Present:
Here I am again, holding the letter in my hand on feb 7, 2014 at 2:35 am. The beginning of valentine's week. With no absolute sign of my Nihu. If only she knew.
I see the sky passing over me. I feel less air in my lungs. My heart can not take it anymore. It hurts. I can just see darkness. First, the darkness of the night and now. I do not know. "I'm dying, Nihu". I hear nothing. The silence is golden.
No comments:
Post a Comment